I'm not a girl who cries during breakups. I do, but for like a half an hour. The day the breakup happens. I have my sad moments and I eat a little ice cream and I move on with life. Whether I'm the person doing the breaking up or being broken up with, the next day I am happy.
At least, that's how it's always gone until this time. Phil broke up with me, and OH MY GOODNESS THE CRYING. The uncontrollable crying, and the feeling ridiculous for crying so much, and the almost crying at school and at work. And the having zero control over whether or not I was going to eat that ice cream or peanut butter. And just feeling so sad and hating it.
That was okay. The crying was okay, because I needed to do that for me. I needed to be sad and I need to cry a lot and eat a lot of sweets. I couldn't be happy right away.
But then I was reading the Easter play that I'm in for church this year. One of the messages in the play is about how God has gifts for us, sitting out in His open arms. They’re free and He wants us to have them, but we have to take them. The only thing we have to do is TAKE them. And one of those gifts is joy.
I couldn’t be happy right away because I could be happy at all on my own. I had to cry because I couldn’t do anything but cry on my own. But after I had my crying, and after I got frustrated with not being able to feel even a little happy, then I remembered where I can find joy.
And let me tell you, this is only the kind of joy God can give. To go from crying all day to immediately the next day not even feeling like I wanted or needed to cry. And remembering in my joy that God knows where I’m going. God knows what and who should be where in my life. And if He knows that, and if I trust that He knows better than I, what need is there for crying?