2nd

One year ago, on July 2nd, Adam lost his mom. This year, on July 2nd, he got married. On a beach, to the love of his life. And I cried.

They had a wedding party full of their family, a mass assortment of friends to make the day beautiful, and a tribute to Adam's mom that was the reason for my tears. More directly, it was the reason for Adam's tears, which then were the reason for mine.

I sat on that beach with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders and wind whipping through my hair watching Adam watch Catie come down the aisle and thanking God for the gifts He gives us. For the gift Adam and Catie are to each other, for the gift of marriage and that special relationship that was created just for us, for the gift Adam's mom was and is to her family, and for the gift that Adam is to me.

During the ceremony the pastor read a devotional the couple had picked out. It was about how God doesn't always explain everything in our lives when events happen, but how that's okay, that's how it's meant to be, and that's what trusting God means. Adam likes knowing why things happen. He likes knowing why they happen before they happen. God designed him that way, designed him to be an artist who wants to know the deeper meaning behind everything, designed him to question. The awesome part is God can handle it, our desire to understand. Because when you dig deeper and look for greater meaning in things -- you'll find your answers in Jesus.

At the end of the wedding all the guest came up around the couple and laid hands on them and prayed for them. I love prayer like that, I love when everyone gathers for one purpose and focuses all their love on that purpose. What better way to start a marriage when you know there's such power in prayer?

photo by erin jean photography.

three

"Two people are better than one...if one falls down, the other can help him up. But it is bad for the person who is alone and falls, because no one is there to help." -- Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

So, so true. That's another thing that I forget, I kind of forget how much it matters that I have this huge support group. I have some of the best friends in the world and a family I can run home to whenever I need to. Not just my parents, but my grandparents, my aunts and uncles. There's rarely a time where I couldn't just stop by for a bit.

People give you a way to sort out your thoughts. I can write and write and write and think I have every thought in my head figured out, and then I'll say it out loud to someone and realize four hundred things I think differently about than I thought I did.

You learn it most when you struggle. When everything is fine, you forget how important other people are. When your thoughts are happy, you don't remember how much the people in your life can help you be happy again when you're sad. But we are made to need other people, and to fit perfectly with them. And from those relationships and from knowing God, we can find joy no matter what our circumstances.

How incredible is God for creating such a thing as friendship?

two

Part Two.
 
"We were crushed and overwhelmed...and saw how powerless we were to help ourselves; but that was good, for then we put everything into the hands of God, who alone could save us...and he did help us!"
- 2 Corinthians 1:8-10

Right along with having a hard time remembering that I am the worst of sinners, I have a hard time remembering to depend on God when things are good in my world.  When I'm doing well and loving my classes in school, when I have a job secured for after graduation that pays my rent and includes all the things that I am passionate about with a boss who can finish my sentences, when I'm in love and so are all the people who matter to me.  In those situations, I sometimes forget how much I need God.  I forget that depending on him in the high times prepares me better to deal with the low times.

I start focusing on my plans for my life and lose sight of what he wants for me and trick myself into believing that it's okay, that my plans are good.  And then something happens to change my plans and I struggle to let them go.  Despite knowing that God let my plans crumble to bring me back to his plan, a plan I know is far greater than mine, I feel broken and frustrated and am hurt because my own plans failed.  I could save myself so much heartache if I would just keep my eyes on him and HIS plan for my life.

But still, after my plans fall apart, I come to a point where I finally really, truly believe it's a good thing.
"...it was the best thing that could have happened to me, for it taught me to pay attention to your laws."
-- Psalm 119:17

one

This past Sunday the sermon was basically tailor-made for me. I'm sure other people felt that way for different reasons, rarely does Pastor preach a sermon that couldn't be applied to my life in some way -- but this one addressed everything that's been in my life as of late.

So I've decided to blog about it. In four parts, posted as I have time to write them(like when midterm week isn't consuming my time).

Which leads me to part one -- centered around this verse.

"Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners -- of whom I am the worst."
-- 1 Timothy 1:15

Oh how I like to forget that. I like to forget that I really am the worst -- that each sin is the same in God's eyes. It's hard to remember, because I can't wrap my mind around how murder is possibly the same as me being prideful. We talked about that in my Philosophy of Religion class -- about how those two sins seem incomparable to us. But to me, that's the glory of God. That no matter what our sins, no matter how unforgivable WE feel or other people feel we should be, our sins can still always be removed as far as the east is from the west.

So no. I'm not a murderer or an adulterer. But I am a sinner. Every day I am a sinner. I shrug off my sins because they seem minor, but I am no better than anyone else. I'm saved by grace the same way the murderer and the adulterer are. Because I am the worst of these.

tiger

Today I got to work early for breakfast before my shift and consequently wound up watching the end of Tiger's speech and some of the ESPN jabber afterwards. My coworkers and I were discussing it and I was amazed to find that many of them didn't think the fact that Tiger cheated was that big of a deal. One of them said that at least 75% of species don't mate for life, so why should we? Why is it expected that people should getting married and not cheat, why only have sex with one person for the rest of your life? We're animals, we can't help it and it's not a big deal, because so many people cheat. What's most disturbing is he's a married man.

True. Most species don't mate for life. But those are the species who eat their own feces, not the ones who make a promise in front of everyone who matters in their life and God to stay true to one person. We're called to a higher standard. We're given the power to make those choices -- we're given the ability to make PROMISES. And it's not something we're meant to take lightly.

I hate how the world places such a low value on marriage. One of my professors freshmen year said that marriage is nothing more than a business contract -- and she's also a married woman. That's not what marriage was created to be, that's not all marriage is supposed to be, and that's not how the marriages I see every day are.

Are there more marriages that are crumbling than growing stronger? Maybe. But it's a choice, on the part of both people in the marriage. A choice each day. And the people in the marriages that are victorious? Their choice every morning is to love the one they're with. To love them, to cherish them, and to be true to them.

That's a choice I think is so incredible to have the opportunity to make.

joy

I'm not a girl who cries during breakups. I do, but for like a half an hour. The day the breakup happens. I have my sad moments and I eat a little ice cream and I move on with life. Whether I'm the person doing the breaking up or being broken up with, the next day I am happy.

At least, that's how it's always gone until this time. Phil broke up with me, and OH MY GOODNESS THE CRYING. The uncontrollable crying, and the feeling ridiculous for crying so much, and the almost crying at school and at work. And the having zero control over whether or not I was going to eat that ice cream or peanut butter. And just feeling so sad and hating it.

That was okay. The crying was okay, because I needed to do that for me. I needed to be sad and I need to cry a lot and eat a lot of sweets. I couldn't be happy right away.

But then I was reading the Easter play that I'm in for church this year. One of the messages in the play is about how God has gifts for us, sitting out in His open arms. They’re free and He wants us to have them, but we have to take them. The only thing we have to do is TAKE them. And one of those gifts is joy.

I couldn’t be happy right away because I could be happy at all on my own. I had to cry because I couldn’t do anything but cry on my own. But after I had my crying, and after I got frustrated with not being able to feel even a little happy, then I remembered where I can find joy.

And let me tell you, this is only the kind of joy God can give. To go from crying all day to immediately the next day not even feeling like I wanted or needed to cry. And remembering in my joy that God knows where I’m going. God knows what and who should be where in my life. And if He knows that, and if I trust that He knows better than I, what need is there for crying?

blessed

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only than can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." --Matthew 5:2-3, The Message

Oh such a good thing to remember. When life sucks, you're blessed.

empty

"I know how I can stray,

and how fast my heart could change.

Empty me of this selfishness inside,

every vain ambitition and the poison of my pride.

And every foolish things my heart holds to,

Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You."

--Empty Me, Chris Sligh

A while ago I sang this song in church...and it makes me happy. But before it makes me happy, it breaks me down. It's what all the Jesus songs that I love do. They point out exactly what I'm doing wrong -- but because they do, and by the grace of God, I am able to change that. I'm able to fix it. Often times only temporarily until God points out once again how quickly I can rely on myself instead of Him, but slowly, I am learning.

I'm a girl who likes to plan. I have plans for my life, and when something changes those plans, I am not happy. I forget all about things happening because God wants them to, and I get swept up in MY plans for MY life...and even though I know without a doubt that God's plans are better, I'm angry that my plans are being changed.

It's ridiculous. It's like having a flashlight in a pitch black cave and choosing not to turn it on because I think I'm better off without it.

It's also why this song make me happy. Because when I'm relying on myself, I feel lost. But when I remember that I shouldn't be, that I should be letting go of all the things I let get inbetween me and God, and I make Him number one in my life again? Things are so much easier.

So I'm presenting this as a challenge, to me and to you. Go read those words again. What's getting in between you and God? Your pride? Your selfishness? Thinking that you know where your life should go and what you should be doing in every decision better than He does? Someone or something else? Whatever it is...just let it go. There's no way it can possibly be better than what God has created you specifically for.

all

I love the song You Are My All In All. I always have. It's simple. Everyone's heard it a hundred times. But the words are so good.

You are my strength when I am weak, You are the treasure that I seek, You are my all in all.
Seeking You as a precious jewel, Lord to give up I'd be a fool, You are my all in all.
Taking my sin, my cross, my shame, rising again I bless Your name, You are my all in all.
When I am down You pick me up, when I am dry You fill my cup, You are my all in all.

At Christmastime, I'm finding, "You are the treasure that I seek" to be all that more important. It's so easy to get caught up in searching for the perfect gift to get someone and thinking about what you might get for Christmas. It's fun and okay to be excited about making people happy with the things that you get for them, and it's even okay to be happy about gifts you're given. But above all, the most important treasure we should be searching for this season is the reason there's a season at all.

How incredible is the gift of friendship that we've been given in Jesus -- the one who more than fulfills every definition of the word friend? I'm continually thankful for that friendship that gives reason to every joy in my life, supports me when I am weak, forgives me every sin, guides me through every trouble -- and is my all in all.

philosophy

My Philosophy of Religion class is driving me nuts.

Correction. My Philosophy of Religion professor is driving me nuts. He's all about presenting arguments to us and then letting us either accept or reject them, with reasoning for why we accept or reject them. That's fine. That makes sense. That's a good way of sharing different ideas without forcing any ideas down anyone's throat.

However, some of his arguments are, in my opinion, insane. And therefore he's driving me nuts. We're talking about evil right now. We've already established that God exists. My teacher believes that God exists. He also believes that God is an infinite being, that's He's omnipotent(he can do all that is possible for a God to do, ie, can't make something that's nonsense, like a square circle, but can do all possible things) and omniscient. We've also established that we as humans are finite beings. We are limited. My teacher also believes that God is smarter than we are as humans.

So, onto evil. We've agreed that there's evil in the world because God gives us free will, and therefore, humans will do evil things sometimes. And sometimes some evil may be necessary for the greater good. But my teacher has an issue with "pointless evil". To explain pointless evil, he uses the hypothetical situation of a fawn being injured in a forest fire and not dying right away, but suffering for a few days and die. My teacher thinks God should just give the deer a heart attack and not make it suffer, because he doesn't understand the good that comes of that. Another example is a person suffering of an illness for many years. My teacher doens't understand why they can't suffer for 10 years instead of 20.

Okay, so I, along with other students, say, what's to say that God isn't already reducing the amount of evil to the smallest amount possible while still striving for the greater good? And my teacher says, "That's insulting my intelligence! I can look around and see all this pointless evil! It's insulting my intelligence to say that it's happening for a reason!"

Well, excuuuuuuse me. Sorry, but I'm insulting your intelligence by mentioning that you might not be able to see it because you're not as smart as God? A point which you've already agreed to? Well, aren't you a humble man.

finest

Matthew West. Finest Hour. Excellent, excellent song.

The king of contradiction strikes again.
You said the last to cross the finish line will win
and the beggars will be millionaires someday
and humble ones are gonna have their say.
Well all my friends are gone now,
all my money's gone now.
And all my pride is gone now,
and if what you say is true now,

this will be my finest hour,
this will be my finest hour.

Well everything is opposite down here.
The strong survive and the rest just disappear.
But Your philosophy is more unique,
You say I'll be stronger when I'm weak.

This will be my finest hour,
this will be my finest hour.

It's 2am and sleepless,
I'm wide awake and restless.
I don't know what my deal is,
I've never felt so helpless.
I don't understand it,
I don't think I'll ever comprehend it.
It's so hard to conceive it,
so I guess I'll just believe it.

This will be my finest hour,
this will be my finest hour.

50

This Saturday we celebrated my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary. Grandpa threw a party at a golf course nearby and we ate lots of appetizers and sweets and chicken and tips and fish. We met all their friends, and Grandpa talked about all of us and cracked jokes.

This morning he went into the doctor for his heart surgery. The surgery was successful and the nurse's reports since then have been good. Thanks, God.

hope

How amazing is this? Really, go God.

drama

Phil's mom, Kathi, is a drama coach at our church, and she's brilliant.

We always have a play in the summer, and this is the first year in a long time that I wasn't in it. We got split into two different groups this year because there's so many of us, so the college kids did a play for Easter, and the high schooler kids did Kathi's drama on Friday. The one we did at Easter was one Kathi found, but normally she writes everything we do.

She has an incredible gift. She knows each of us kids, and she writes us into everything. Our real personalities shine through in everything, and the skits are witty and always have a biblical message. The shows are always full of laughter...lined with both cheesy and clever humor.

One thing I noticed specifically this year, and I don't know if it's because I was a normal audience member instead of an actor, was how much Kathi really knows about everything. Seriously EVERYTHING. She can relate salvation and following God's plan for your life to complex science theories and cupcakes. She knows about science and baking and boats, not to mention knowing practically every Bible story and how to weave them together into a play called Pair-A-Bulls Cruise Line.

It's occurred to me that that's a big part of what makes someone really good at writing...and writing anything, not just a play. It's knowing lots of different things from lots of different subject areas, and knowing how to pull them together to make something really entertaining and thought-provoking.

Haha...maybe someday I'll be able to do that.

fragile

I just found out a friend of mine lost his mom. She went in the hospital for something minor, and it didn't turn out to be that way. She's got more kids, some who are young teenagers.

To go into the hospital thinking everything is going to be fine, that the whole situation is minor, and then to lose your mom...just, ugh. My heart breaks for their family...it's hard to lose someone at any stage of your life, but to lose your mom, before you're married, before she's seen your kids, before you've graduated high school. My mom is my stability. She drives me nuts sometimes, but she is who I go to for everything. When I don't talk to her for a few days it seems like a forever. I can't imagine finding out she was gone.

The hardest part for me is always what to say in a situation like this, and I know I'm not alone. It's just, I'm used to knowing what to say, that's never been an issue for me. And then when it comes to something like this, when I so want to say something that will really help this person feel better...I'm at a loss for words.

When my Gramma died, it really wasn't awful. It wasn't sunshine and rainbows, but I had peace. I knew what to say to help my family members, I knew how to handle the whole situation with ease. But my Gramma was sick. It wasn't a shock. We knew it was coming. We had time to say goodbye, and she was so ready to go home.

To me...that peace is so important. When I die, I want there to be no mistake about where I'm going. I want everyone who had any sort of connection with me to know without a doubt that I've gone home, that I'm happier than I've ever been, and that they'll see me again someday. Then it's easy to know what to say.